This weeks yoga theme is joy. I’m loving this theme already.

We have gone into our 3rd lock down due to Corona Virus and most of the world are miserable about it and miserable in general, understandably. People are really suffering. It’s hard. A good time to tap into reservoirs of happiness.

I’m reading a book about positive journaling. In the first topic she gets you to notice, remember and anticipate moments of happiness. These joy thoughts flood us with joy emotions. Writing about it enhances them yet further. We might be locked in physically but we can choose our thoughts and focus. You might even notice that certain things bring you joy that you’d forgotten about, things you could do more of or read about whilst you can’t. I didn’t realise that most of my happy thoughts were about peaceful moments or enlightening times. I could definitely invest in both of those things during lock down.

Today’s moment of joy lasted half of the day and was unexpected. I was cooking and out of the blue decided to put on a random 80’s playlist from I Tunes. I got hit by the boogie bug. I couldn’t keep my feet still, dancing like a loon around the kitchen, wooden spoon in hand. Poppy cat was seriously disturbed lol. I think my singing must have been the cherry on the cake for her. She decided sitting outside in the freezing cold was preferable, and shes a bed bug. She doesn’t really enjoy going outside in winter. I must have been bad.

I then received a message from a friend saying she’d done a meditation I’d sent her and felt my mum was in her meditation, telling her to party. It was unbelievable timing. I used to always dance and sing in the kitchen with my mum. It was our thing. I don’t think I’ve done it since she died years ago. On the first day I do, I get a message like that. Wow. Life is extraordinary and the magic never ceases to amaze me.

Next I hoped on my bike for the 1st time in months and cycled for hours, dance cycling with earphones in. If you drove past a woman miming songs and head bopping down the Kenilworth Road, that was probably me. I didn’t care what I looked like. The music, the freedom, wide open sky and sunshine made my heart feel like it wanted to burst. I was so happy. I can honestly say that practicing awareness of happiness will genuinely fill you up. You tend to feel what you think. See if you can go to good places in your head sometimes and see if you can do more of what you love. Ask yourself what you love. You might be surprised. If in doubt I have a meditation on joy in the library of past classes.

What does joy mean to you? What memories bubble up when you open to joy? What hopes do you have for more joy? What daily moments of happiness can you notice more? Write them if you feel to, or photograph them, share them with friends or spread a little sunshine on social media.

This isn’t an exercise in pasting over unhappiness. Cry your tears. Shake in your fears. Don’t pretend you’re ok when you’re not. This isn’t suppose to make you a fake it til you’re happy type. It’s just a gentle reminder that joy is a thing just as real as fear and sadness. You can go there when you feel to. Sometimes gently and subtly. Sometimes, like me today, full force both feet first!

This week’s yoga theme is mindfulness. Calming and clearing the mind. So what about those days or months when it just won’t calm. You worry. Over analyse. Catastrophise. Become obsessive. Anxious. What then?

My honest answer. Be kind.

I saw this quote today in one of my mindful workbooks and everything in me agreed. What if you could just be kind. What if that was your only aim. Be kind with your mind. It’s doing its best to protect you. It just gets a bit overzealous at times. Mine can be totally over the top throwing me into sleepless nights and exhausted days as it rubiks cubes everything it can’t control. I understand. I have so much compassion for people who are anxious. I had years of suffering chronic anxiety before I found the path I’m on, and even now I know anxiety is something we dance with all our lives.

I just don’t think mindfulness should be yet another way we harshly judge ourselves. See it as more of a ray of light to guide and soothe you. A warm sunbeam you can bathe in when it’s there, and on the days it’s hidden by clouds of thoughts, try not to panic. The sun is always shining. The clouds will part.

I love this mindful journal long book. It contains page after page of simple joy. Enjoy your home, the thrill of saying no (jono), the colours, textures, sounds, stories. If you have Netflix there’s a beautiful film called The Secret, Dare to Dream. It’s all about gentle hope. When was the last time you lay back just to listen to music? The joy of sound.

A friend recently bought me this blue angel. I love stained glass. It has pride of place in my indigo room. Angels mesmerise me. I love the thought of a being so pure its energy can cleanse the densest of places.

The little plant was bought as a baby. I adopt plants. My heart breaks as I see them dying on shop shelves. Dying of thirst. So I adopt them all. Crazy plant lady! This one utterly surprised me this morning by sprouting flowers as a thank you.

If you get the chance today, be kind to your mind. A form of mindfulness. Notice the things you love. Remember little moments that touched your heart. Allow your feelings to flow as you trust the inner river, whether it’s tears or joy. Let it flow. Watch the process with lovingkindness and you’re being mindful.

If you’re feeling creative I’ll leave you with a little story prompt. This one made me laugh. I could just imagine my cats getting so fed up of me that they finally speak. What would they say? 🤣

It was the first frost yesterday. I dashed out with my camera to capture the diamonds dancing across every surface, sparkling in the sunlight. Perfect in their impermanence.

This week we are exploring how we can ease our mind through yoga. One way, for me, is dropping into beauty. Taking the time to drink in the beauty around me. Sights, smells, textures, tastes. It evokes a vibrant humming gratitude within my heart.

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel my feelings. When I’m sad I cry. When I’m scared I freeze. When I’m confused I huddle in the muddle. I allow my feelings to wash through me as I process them, normally with a cat in tow. Cats have a knack of knowing when you’re emotionally constipated.

No matter what you are feeling, you are still allowed to access the here and now. Sometimes we think we have to sort ourselves out before we can let go and enjoy living. How would it feel to let go and favour the senses of your body over your tangled thoughts and emotions. It’s not denial or escapism. It’s a way of creating space, of giving your nervous system a break, and it actually helps your brain to problem solve. It’s way of telling yourself that no matter what you face you are alive today and worthy of self love. Worthy of giving yourself the time and care to taste your tea and smell a rose.

Sometimes I dance with my emotions as I do this. I write about the dying rose I’m witnessing as I drop into the space within me that is also experiencing a death or a transition. I eat dark, bitter foods, like cacao, when I’m facing dark intruding experiences. Processing even through my taste. Being here now, but also mingling with my inner world. Mindfulness doesn’t just have to be ignoring your thoughts. It can be a gentle favouring of a physical sensation which then gives your mind enough space to process and feel in order to integrate (another word for yoga).

We don’t do this in order to integrate. We do this because we are here to live. We were given life so that we could enjoy living (I believe).

My mum always taught me that it’s OK to try and untangle yourself, but don’t forget to live. She urged me to enjoy every day, as much as I can. Let go of worry and be in the moment, in any way possible. She said this as she was terminally ill, having just lost her husband. She said this smiling. Fathomless.

At times these words were beyond my reach. With age, they’ve settled into my bones and being. I make sure, every day, I take the time to fully enjoy something beautiful and be here now. Cry my cry but drink my tea, or as mum once hilariously said “quit your whining and put your wine in”.. 😂🍷

One of the things that’s brought me simple nourishment has been a gentle practice of gratitude.

I found this little journal in WH Smiths a few weeks ago. It’s so beautiful and full of inspiration. It reminds me of the things already in my life that make me happy x

I found a way to cat proof my plants. I now have hanging gardens lol. I’m surrounded by little bits of beauty and wonder every day. I just need to drink them in. Flowers, cats, books, friendship, light, colours. It’s endless.

What will you soak into your heart today?

Focusing upon self care this week is a real gift. Self care for the physical body, or Annamaya kosha in yoga.

Part of this week’s care is daily walks with a camera. Yesterday I hung out with the squirrels at Coventry Cathedral. They eat out of your hand and just melt my heart. I went to Wilkos to buy them peanuts and spent the next hour in simple joy. A man stood to my left doing the same. We smiled at each other in quiet recognition of the simple, slow things in life. He said he did this often. Maybe I should too.

I’ve been reading a book on slow living. Appreciating the beauty and bounty all around you. Savouring each day and daily journeys.

When you take pictures, it helps you to really see.

I love moss. It’s so soft but strong, ancient and silent. It has always given me a quiet awe, then I found out that it’s one of the oldest plants on earth. You’ll often find me stroking it as I walk by, wondering why others don’t.

Have you experienced the story The Secret Garden? All she wanted was a piece of earth. It healed her soul. It healed her friends body. The magic of nature.

This beautiful garden is in the city centre. I always gaze through the gate, wondering how it would feel to sit within its strong walls, feeling held. I’ve never seen a soul in there. I wonder why? You wouldn’t be able to prise me out.

Sometimes I write my dreams on a leaf and then set it free to the earth or float it on a body of water. The ancients believed trees were an axis to the heavens. A conduit for prayers. It makes sense to me.

As part of your self care for the body, why not slip outside quietly, take a camera and capture the soft magic. I’d love to see what you find. I love sharing my soul with you. Maybe you could share yours too x

With love and kindness for your journey, Amanda xx

Amidst the earthquake of deaths, loss of home and relationship, the message of the birds (in the last post) unfolded yet further. I was about to learn an essential layer to this truth.

A lady often came to my cafe for coffee and cake. She seemed to quietly glow. I often wondered what she believed, what was her inner light. One day I asked her, in a roundabouts way. I asked what she liked to read. Her answer seemed vague and I assumed she wanted to stay private. She simply said she didn’t pick books, they often picked her, so I was none the wiser. Her light remained a mystery.

The next time she visited she brought with her a letter, a note and a book, all lovingly wrapped up with care, just for me. She had opened the door. What was inside didn’t disappoint. She was as luminous as she seemed.

We chatted over the counter as the weeks rolled on and for Christmas she offered me the gift of a massage. I readily accepted. I loved her presence and my muscles were a bundle of knots from the strain of my crumbled former life. I would often mop the floor at the end of the day and simply loose all reason to keep going. I’m not sure if it was depression. I simply had nothing left to give, even to a mop. It made my job very hard. At times I would simply take myself to the kitchen to wash the dishes, a job everyone avoided. As the, water ran my tears would follow. Crying was my only relief some days.

The day she arrived to massage me she asked if she could do reiki instead. She felt it was what I needed. I had no idea what to expect but whatever worked for her I was up for receiving. As I lay on her massage bed I shut my eyes. Immediately the trauma of the last few months ran at me full force, relentlessly, like a train. I was hammered with death after death, image after image. Fear after fear that built up until I could hardly breathe. I sobbed. I hardly knew her and I sobbed. She simply continued. Then I heard a voice. That same voice.

“This time you don’t have to be strong”. As soon as I heard it I saw hospitals, death and loss. The thing I feared the most. I know when that voice is God, or what I believe to be God force, because there are always so few words. Each one is potent. I knew, fully understood in that moment, that I had emotionally snapped because I was trying to be strong. It made me rigid and so I snapped. The voice was saying there was another way. My healing college had only taught me one way and that was to be strong. I exhaled, not knowing what it all meant but totally understanding on a deeper level. A level my brain hadn’t caught up with yet.

That afternoon, after the reiki, my phone rang. I still remember where I was, stood at the work surface, facing the wall. It’s etched forever in my mind. My mums voice spoke down the phone and said “I don’t want you to panic. I’ve been rushed to hospital”.

The voice. The voice had shown me hospitals, death and loss and said ‘this time you don’t have to be strong’. I trembled through my whole being. I now know if it hadn’t have been for that reiki this last blow could have snapped me completely.

My mum had had a blood test for a swollen knee. It turned out she had an incredibly rare autoimmune disease. Incurable. She might only live 3 months.

She was the last of my family. My best friend. My soul mate and my counsellor. Since a child I had dreaded losing her. As an only child of a single parent she was my world. I was about to lose that too, only this time I would learn how to lean.

I was about to embark upon my biggest journey yet and my first steps were from a place of already being utterly broken. How on earth was I going to make it in this state unless this time I really didn’t have to be strong xx

The beauty of this next story still takes my breath away. So gentle. So much care was taken to enfold me within these synchronicities. These stories are not linear. I can’t recall if this happened before or after the Yare fear story. I’d need to consult my journals. Life back then was a blur. The message, however, was consistent.

I was in trauma. Traumatised would definitely be the word. I’d witnessed my step dad have a stroke. We were sat having breakfast together and it struck. Even in that strange and terrible moment there was beauty. He dried my eyes as we waited for the ambulance, caring more for my distress more than his own. Trying to soothe me with words he could no longer speak. It just made me cry even more. He died not long later of an unknown cancer. Two months later my Dad died unexpectedly. I missed seeing him by an hour. A lump appeared in my body that could have been cancerous (but wasn’t) and I lost a baby. My relationship ended which meant I also lost my house. I was reeling. From my step dad dying all of the rest happened within the space of 3 months.

My mum came to visit me. I still remember we went for a coffee. I sat shaking and tearful, not imagining ever being able to feel safe again. I was exhausted. Her words seemed impossible and I told her so. She simply told me to live one day at a time. Don’t worry about the future. Worrying does nothing and it means you live a situation you’re scared of hundreds of times when it may never happen. If it does happen, better to only live it once in real time. I thought it was like asking an Eskimo to avoid snow. I was knee deep and couldn’t imagine feeling any other way. I’d had so many catastrophes hit me, blow after relentless blow, that I was constantly looking out for the next hit. She told me that most people didn’t believe they had the power to choose their thoughts. She believed and lived it. I felt no comfort from her words, just like someone with two broken legs would get no comfort from being told to just get up and walk. As she left the loneliness just increased. I now not only felt broken, I felt weak. Like I was a weak person for crumbling.

A day or two later, whilst walking home from work, I was suddenly aware of bird song. It sounded so loud. I remember wondering if it was always that loud. Had I never noticed before? All the way home the birds were filling my senses. Something niggled at the back of my mind. A scripture mentioned the birds. I’d heard it once but wasn’t sure where in the scriptures it would be.

When I got home I quickly planted a few things before my friend came round for a cuppa. She arrived before I was finished. I was covered in soil so pointed her to the tea cupboard to select what she wanted. She chose a new tea I’d never had before so I asked her to tell me if it was any good. After she left I sat on my bed thinking about the birds again. My ex boyfriend from years ago had brought a load of my stuff round from his attic. Among it was an old bible. I opened it randomly and it fell to a page with a teabag wrapper as a bookmark. Unbelievably it was the tea that my friend had just chosen. The tea I honestly thought I’d never had before. I was sure it was a new variety. What was it doing in the bible? Then I saw it. It was bookmarking the page containing the scripture about the birds. I gasped.

The words echoed what Mum had said. Do not fear and don’t think about tomorrow. Be like the birds who don’t worry or hoard out of fear. They are cared and provided for. It actually said you can’t add anything to your life by worrying. So trust you are utterly loved and be like the birds.

I believed. Suddenly I truly believed but didn’t yet understand.

No person could have convinced me that not worrying was a wise move back then. Worrying was survival tactics. I had no idea how to live out this truth and it didn’t just land on my lap. It took years of taking steps and I’m still nowhere near. I think it’s because I keep falling into other peoples teachings that are always telling me I have to do this to get that. This voice was telling me to deeply rest, even fall into unseen arms.

As I read these words now I understand that somehow, despite the Law of Attraction, despite my role in needing to have faith, I was being told that my Creator is also my Father/Mother. I am to learn how to let go into the vast, immense embrace of a cosmic parent. Instead of worrying how to become a conduit, I can fall into the arms of infinite wisdom, love and power. From a place of security and being known, all manifestations will flow, not the other way around. My soul needed to come home.

I’d seen miracles at the hands of my teacher who had spent years drilling into me that it’s my faith that is the conduit. Doubt stops the flow and there’s nothing God can do about it. My role is key. The world blames God when it’s our fault for not believing. Most people never manifest healing because they don’t know this key. He taught us we have to become faith warriors. He had healed people in wheelchairs. Some were my fellow students at the college. His son had even died, had a toe tag on, and he’d healed him. Crazy stuff. He’s world famous. And then there was little me hearing a different way. Of course I struggled to believe myself over such a spiritual giant.

What this cosmic voice was saying wasn’t disregarding faith. It was attacking fear which breeds doubt. I still aim for miracles. I desire nothing less and I know they are absolutely possible through this human conduit. However, if we take our eyes off the prize and melt into the arms of love, it would seem all connection lies there. Therein is the Oneness. There is home. It’s scary resting when you’ve been taught nothing will happen if you don’t do it. It seems, for me, there is no other way. I simply have to follow this trail.

The second time I knew a word I didn’t consciously know was just a few days later. I’d just woken up. Soft and sleepy, not suspecting magic afoot. Suddenly in my minds eye I saw the word Yare. It was closely followed by the scripture ‘don’t fear, I am with you’. The word fear was highlighted to me and then it was all gone, as if nothing had happened.

Once again I found myself looking up a word that was ancient and unfamiliar. Sure enough the word Yare means fear in the scripture I’d seen. A scripture written thousands of years ago. I couldn’t believe it. I literally couldn’t believe it. Why me? Why now? Why say these impossible things to someone who was full to the brim with fear? It sounded like an impossible task.

Once again I was silenced. Whatever I had been taught was fueling my fear. This guidance wanted to vanquish it forever. The only reason given was because I was not alone. Once again I was being asked to put my trust in this unseen force. To trust so fully and completely that there was no room for fear. I’d never witnessed this in another person nor heard it taught. Was it even possible? I couldn’t deny what this voice was showing me about the effects of knowing your Oneness. A complete lack of fear. Incredible. Who wouldn’t want that.

I started to see words I didn’t consciously know. They were old words from an old language linked to ancient scriptures. They confirmed all I was experiencing.

The first time this happened I was sat at home alone. I wasn’t expecting a vision and I wasn’t doing anything to create one. For no clear reason I saw a huge cog blazed across my mind, slowly turning. Always turning. Then there was a small cog and it was spinning really fast. It wanted to connect to the big cog but couldn’t mesh teeth because it was spinning so fast. Sparks flew as their teeth collided. It felt like the little cog was me, trying so hard, pedalling away on a hamster wheel, trying desperately to get somewhere. I then saw the little cog stop. It stopped dead. It stopped trying and simply leaned. It effortlessly found the biting point with the big cog and was moved by the motion of that connection. The big cog felt like God/The Universe. The law of life constantly in motion. I saw huge words in my mind, like you would if you were gazing at massive graffiti on a wall. They simply said “Be still and KNOW God”. The word ‘know’ was huge and underneath it I saw a strange word. Yada.

I had no conscious idea of what the word Yada meant, but somehow it was linked to the word ‘know’. I pulled my laptop out and looked it up. I gasped. I literally couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It actually scared me, it was such a monumental moment. I knew the words were an old bible scripture, thousands of years old. In the original language the word for know was yada. It also means to see.

There it was again. ‘Why are you trying so hard’? Just be still and lean on me. You were made for this. It’s not meant to be hard. Once again I was silenced. I had no idea why I was being shown this when it went against everything I had been taught so far. It was meant to be hard. You were meant to really work at this. There was no one telling me to just stop and lean. They certainly didn’t tell me to relax. It was the most beautiful message and it made perfect sense. My heart breathed a sigh of utter relief.

I began to wonder how relaxed was I allowed to be. Where does leaning become dormancy. Was I supposed to do anything or could I literally leave it all to grace. There was only one way to find out, and that was to start following this voice rather than human teachers.

Getting to the nitty gritty of my synchronicities, I think the following stories encapsulate what was being said. They are wonderful. Literally wonder full. To live out their truth would lead to a life full of magic, peace and love.

Picture me pacing around a huge park. Lap 3. Muttering affirmations to boost my faith. I needed healing but this time I was scared. This was early on in these cosmic teachings. I haven’t shared my stories in a linear fashion. I still didn’t understand not to have faith in my faith back then. I’m still not sure if I totally grasp how not to.

Each word, each step, made me feel further away rather than closer to certainty. It felt like the harder my faith hands tried to grip, the more they slipped. This had been going on for months and I was close to panic. I had been taught that if you doubt you do without, not because God/The Universe doesn’t want to flow it to you, but because you are blocking it. It was like telling a terrified child that their fear pushes their parent away. That their parent wants to get to them but can’t. So the child becomes terrified of being terrified. It was a nasty loop and I was feeling orphaned from my Source which led to an existential crisis like nothing I’d ever known. For the first time in my life I felt separated from my Source, which later led to a break down, but that’s another story.

So, during a frantic loop of this park, suddenly a voice boomed within me, and I do mean boom. It surprised me so much that I stopped in my tracks. I can still hear it now when I think back. I can hear and feel its texture. Its incredible power. It simply said “Why are you trying so hard when we are already one?” My head seemed to move itself and look down at my feet. There was a perfectly circular piece of rough wood, in the shape of an O right by my toes. I bent over, picked it up and simply stared at it.

My whole being was silenced. Everything I had ever learned and everything I had been trying to do was totally wiped from the slate. I had no idea what the words meant. Sometimes to be silenced is the first step. It was awesome. It’s such a rare thing. I still treasure the silence of awe.