On Jan 23rd 2021 I turned 43. I still feel like a teenager wondering what I’ll be when I grow up?! I wonder if that’ll ever change?
It was a marvellous, magical weekend and I truly adored it in every way.
We are in tier 4 lockdown, so none of the usual socialising, but I found an easy rhythm in reading, getting my sewing machine out, laughing at the cats antics with Ady and eating amazing home cooked food.
I’ve had my sewing machine for years but barely touched it, so on my birthday out she came. I made a bookmark out of wrapping from my gifts and followed the lines of veins on a beautiful ivy leaf. I have no idea what I’m doing so I learn as I go along.
I intend to make prayer flags. Tiny squares of inspiration that I can string together. The leaf will remind me to simply open and let the light through. I have so many ideas and can’t wait to be a creator again. My gift to myself x
The burger pic above is the cookbook image of the vegan burger Ady made me with cheezey nacho spicy tomato additions. Omg food heaven and all gluten free and clean eating. AMAZING!!!!! Its from a book called Beautiful Real by Sam Murphy. Vegan healthy comfort food and my heaven.
We walked and talked by our old lake. A walk we’ve done a thousand times before but its so cherished.
The light was amazing. Glorious, twinkling, dancing across surfaces, moonlight, sunlight. Light brings lightness and I need it like air.
Meditation was a part of the weekend. I made sure I made space for space. A meditative walk on Saturday at twilight was a real highlight. A whole hour just to move, listen, feel and breathe. I put on a playlist I’d never heard before that was both mysterious and beckoning. There’s a site called Bandcamp that do things called soundscapes. A playlist that weaves meditation thoughts, chanting and sound. So beautiful. You can just let go and be guided, like floating on an ocean of gentle inspiration. As I crossed a bridge I noticed the light at the end looked like a star guiding me on.
Partway across the bridge were peeling signs that called out ‘change change change and faith!’
I’d felt deep shifts inside of me that week, causing feelings of sadness and grief. Things from my past that I just couldn’t process, causing me a type of soulful indigestion. At times immobilising. Change was definitely a theme in my life.
Not long later the playlist rang out with “how can we continue to live if we are changeless? To live we must die every instant. We must perish, again and again, in the storms that make life possible”. Those words mixed with the words on the bridge and my feelings of grief all clicked together, like someone had realigned my bones. I felt a huge wave of relief. All these mini deaths, aren’t bad. They hurt but its the stuff of life and life is change.
The moon was so bright that night. It was captivating. The playlist highlighted self love. That if we love ourselves we are loving all of our ancestors within us. Wow! Anytime you have been hurt by family, it’s just a lack of love. Pour more love in and it’ll ripple to them all. I was so glad it was dark. Tears were flowing. So much pain in my ancestry. So much pain, so many wounds. Love yourself even more was the call. Love love love.
It was almost as if the music was timed with my thoughts. Interwoven, shifting me from the roots. Seismic.
I remembered a couple of moments of grace when houses appeared as I needed to move house. In that moment the playlist spoke of moments of grace, where you get what you need, as if by magic and it creates such a silence within that nothing more is needed. If you could die so complete that would be perfect. In reality we find that completeness in waves and bursts. Moments where we trust and doubt nothing. Utterly content and connected. Whole.
The Sunday was a different story. We accidentally went sledging. We’d only planned on a walk but were blessed enough to happen upon a shop that only had two sledges left. What’s the chances?! Enroute to the woods I’d suddenly felt ‘go here first!’ The result was sledge-joy. Two hours of screaming joy! It was so good to share this with others. After nearly a year of no positive contact with strangers, it was a real tonic to connect again. Watching adults and children explode with laughter. Such a gift x
The scenery where we sledged was beautiful. Thatched cottages and a tiny row of shops selling hot chocolate and pastries. Adorable.
We walked further afield, by a ruined castle and across wide open fields. People we met smiled and greeted. So different to the head down ignore you don’t breathe covid attitude recently.
The cats were so funny, they really made us laugh. Sammy loved the snow! He was running, sliding, chasing snow balls, eating it. He was in hunting heaven as he was finally camouflaged. Our mini snow leopard.. Can you spot him?
Poppy wasn’t a fan. Although she did give him his moneys worth in fights when he came home just wanting a kip 😂🤣
The peace of our weekend was tangible. I couldn’t have asked for more. Utterly perfect. Thank you to Ady for sharing the sledge screams, cooking me my dream burger meal and binge watching Netflix series. You are an absolute star. Poppy and Sammy, you are my joy, just for being your utterly unique, unapologetic selves. You are my teachers aswell as my furbabies.